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You know it’s good when…

You know it’s good when you wake up and you have enough energy to get through the day without feeling like a decrepit old person.

You know it’s good when three beers is enough to get you pleasantly buzzed.

You know it’s good when you’re gay friend looks at you without disgust because you actually did your hair that day.

You know it’s good when you win at candy land two times in a row.

You know it’s good when you’re only a month away from your 21st bday which happens to land on thanksgiving this year.

You know it’s good when your mom tells you your looking thin and actually means it.

You know it’s good when you finish a book and are satisfied with the ending.

You know it’s good when you do yoga four days a week and you’re not sore afterwards.

You know it’s good when your boyfriend can’t keep his hands off you and it’s not annoying.

You know it’s good when you can fall asleep at night before 4 am.

You know it’s good when your favorite cartoon has a new episode out and you giggle because you’re so excited.

You know it’s good when your son gives you kisses because he wants to not because he has to.

You know it’s good when you’re glad to be going home.

You know it’s good when you and your dad can have an awesome convo for three hours and not even realize you’ve been talking that long.

You know it’s good when you find a pair of jeans that actually fits right.

You know it’s good when you smile and laugh and it’s not forced.

Then. You know it’s good…

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You know it’s bad when…

You know it’s bad when you tell your friend your going to be in Cali and they say awesome can’t wait to see you. Day you go to see them they say hey sorry thought I was hungover but it’s actually the flu can’t hang out. Then later that day they Instagram a pic of themselves getting wasted with a bunch a friends.

You know it’s bad when the guy who’s always been in to you. Like 7 years long in to you doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Because they have better things to do…

You know it’s bad when you’re in a great committed relationship of 3 years with your partner. you’ve talked about marriage and doing the family thing. Then you find out your babies dad is finally dating someone and you get jealous. Even though you’re not in to him.

You know it’s bad when your little sister is way more successful than you are and while your happy for her it makes you feel inadequate.

You know it’s bad when you’re 20 years old and classify yourself as being fairly attractive but secretly keep hoping that literally anyone will hit on you. Just so you know you’re still hot and it’s not just in your head.

You know it’s bad when people hit on your mom more than you…

You know it’s bad when all you want to do is sleep all day because your friends are all in a different state and you have no social activities going on other than chatting with your crazy neighbor about her colon cancer.

You know it’s bad when you hype your life up and everything you say sounds like bullshit even to your own ears.

You know it’s bad when you’re writing a post like this.

Long story short. It’s bad…

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New home waiting impatiently

It’s been a while. I’m in portland now and have been for about two months. So far it’s been great. We’ve settled in and gotten familiar with the area. We’re living in a great location and I’ve even made a few friends. The only thing missing is my son. He’s been staying with his gramma since we’ve been here. Just so we could get settled but I miss him terribly. A little over a week and then I’ll be going to pick him up. I’m really excited. The wait is almost to much to bear. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with cleaning and trying new recipes but it’s only a temporary fix. I just miss my little guy so much. He really is just the best. My dad has been comforting and talking with him has provided a distraction since his health isn’t good right now. He just had eye surgery this past week and he’s not recovering the way he should be. Unless something changes he’ll be missing his sight in one eye. So much going on right now with everyone. My little sister started college my mom got a new job. There’s been a lot of good things happening but also bad too. I just want everyone to be happy and safe and well cared for and loved.

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Countdown

Alright so today is the 29th and I’m leaving on the first. Almost there. Phew it’s been a long haul. I’ve successfully ruined my sleep cycle and am now nocturnal. Trying to see everyone one last time before I go but it’s not really working out. To many people not enough time:( really excited to go though and hopefully once I’m up there my friends will come bust. Fingers crossed:)

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Wow

So I just started playing world of Warcraft again I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. It’s been about a year and a half since I stopped playing and switched to Diablo and admittedly I’m having a rough time. I forgot all the raids and I’m on a completely new character that I’m unfamiliar with.
That’s what I get for quitting.

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sleeplessness

It’s about 2am and I can’t sleep. I’ve spent the past few hours reading and watching part of the 90’s film Anastasia and now when I should be getting to bed I can’t. My boyfriend left to go to the bar at 8, he said he was going to go play some music and then come home. That bar closed at 12. And I haven’t heard from him in about 3 hrs. I try to be chill and say “ok babe go have fun” but then he pulls shit like this on me and it’s really starting to piss me off. no phone call no text just to say “hey I’m fine, still alive and all.” He’s been out for 6 hours and I’m starting to worry that he’s not home yet, a small part of me is worrying anyways, mostly though I’m just mad. To heck with it if he got hit by a bus or fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck while drunk. Seriously. I made a nice dinner tonight which he was supposed to be home for then he bailed on me. it’s really not fair and i know most of the time life isn’t but it would be nice to feel appreciated and for him to be at least a little considerate. I swear if he doesn’t get home soon and apologize I might just push him over the balcony and be done with it. I mean really, taking ten seconds to text someone isn’t that hard. You know it’s sad how often I’ve joked as of late about pushing him over the balcony, one of these days I’m going to fucking snap and actually do it. Now I know this whole thing doesn’t seem like that big a deal but counting the number of times I’ve had to deal with it I’m sick of it and it’s bullshit. When I go out I tell him where I’m going and when i’ll be home, if i’m not going to be home at that time I call or text him so he doesn’t freak out. Which he never freaks out because he doesn’t really care… Not to sound like a broken record but i really don’t know why i put up with it. He’s not that fabulous, or good looking or smart or talented and he doesn’t even have his own money. His mom wires cash to his bank account every month. By all accounts he’s a pathetic bottom feeder and I should kick his ass to the curb. When we first started dating he was really interesting and awesome but now after 3 years of putting up with this crap I’m quickly becoming dissatisfied. Ugh and bleh.

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Portland

I’ve lived in three places my whole life. All within an hour drive of each other. Now I’m moving to a whole new state to a city I’ve been to once. I told my boyfriend like two months ago that I wanted to move out of California. Here are the reasons:

  1. Rent is ridiculous where we live now, we’re paying 1400 a month for a 1 bedroom apartment.
  2. I’ve felt stuck in a rut for a while now and I really need a change (although a location change doesn’t really change me just my surroundings, I feel like it’s an opportunity for self growth).
  3. SB has gotten really boring, it’s pretty and right next to the beach but other than that there’s not much to do here and the people are pretty lack luster. (So we’re basically paying for the scenery).
  4. My family is not to far away from where we’re at now and while I love them I’m tired of them interfering and breathing over my shoulder. It’s stifling and more often than not really annoying.
  5. I need some excitement in my life and moving to a bigger city where there’s actually stuff to do should help.

Concerns:

  1. When i said i wanted to move initially i decided I wanted to go to Seattle because I had heard Washington was a beautiful state. Then we got there and I hated Seattle (it reminded me to much of LA) so we went back and started looking in Portland, which we had stopped in for dinner on our way to Seattle. The problem is I don’t know anyone there and I’m kind of antisocial so I’m a little worried it’ll be hard for me to make friends.
  2. I didn’t think our move was going to happen so fast and I needed more time to mentally prepare, now everything is coming at me head on and it scares me.
  3. My boyfriend while I love him can be an insufferable jerk and pays all the bills so what happens if we get up there and I’m no where near my family if I need help (i don’t want to feel chained to him with no way out).
  4. My dad’s health isn’t the best and we already live 4 hours from him, after we move it’ll be like 12 hours away and I want to be able to be there for him because he really is the best.
  5. To be honest I guess all my concerns really stem from me being afraid of the change that I initiated and wanted.

This whole bright idea of mine started because my mom and little sister are doing new things with their lives. My mom moved to Napa and got a new job and my sister is about to go away to college also in Napa. I just saw them heading off on new paths and I started to wonder when I would get to do the same. Then I realized, my boyfriend was content doing the same old thing after three years of us being together and if anyone was going to make a change it had to be me. So i did and i’m not backing out now, i really am excited it’s just that I’ve started thinking things through more now that it’s actually happening.

And for the people who have never been to Portland or seen it, this is where I’m moving to:

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morning all

Just woke up, it is now approx. 5:30 in the evening. Congratulations to me for sleeping all day. It’s not like I really had anything important to do. Had a dream that I’m pretty sure was representing my inner child, how would I know that you may ask? I was dressed in little kids clothes as an adult running around laughing and having fun like I hardly ever do in real life. Yay for dreams. Or maybe yay for Studio Ghibli since I watched like three of their movies yesterday. Spirited Away, My neighbor Totoro, and Tales from Earthsea. That’s right bring on my inner child.

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dream invasion (frustrating and weird)

Ok so since I began going to college there’s been this one professor…

I know, bad way to start off but let’s see if you can guess where this is going.

Three years ago now I started my college career and to begin with I pretty much had no idea what i wanted to do so I just took a bunch of random classes. One of which was an Anthropology class called comparative world cultures. Long story short it was a pretty interesting class and while the subject matter was fascinating that wasn’t what really caught my eye. The professor did… So the next semester I took another class with him. And the semester after that. So on and on. That’s why i went in to Anthropology, just so I had an excuse to take his classes. Then i began going to the Anthropology club on Wednesday nights where we sat around watching movies and drinking. My professor invited me to a local gaming group and since I’m a gamer and I thought it was pretty cool getting to chill with him outside of school i started going on Saturdays. As it turned out the gaming group was really a drinking group. And since at the time I drank a fair amount it was pretty fun. I started looking forward to Saturdays so that I could talk with him and get to know him better. See it would have been one thing if he was just attractive but he’s also witty and intelligent so ugh and bleh. He had always been pretty friendly until my boyfriend came with me to the game group and then he began giving me the cold shoulder. I stopped going to the game group for a while and then started going again when my social life declined. One night when I was particularly drunk and about to leave I gave everyone there hugs just so I could give my professor a hug and kiss him on the cheek. It made me want more because I felt his enjoyment, and I don’t mean like his dick got hard. I could feel his arms tighten around me. Ugh. After that i started to have pretty regular dreams of him and I in various locations doing various things. Some of which were sexual. Which is why I’m writing this post right now. Last night I had a dream that he was laying on the floor playing with a super cute cat (and I really like cats) so I went up and played with the cat which in my dream was his cat. When he saw how much the kitty liked me he pulled me next to him and started cuddling me and kissing my neck gently. I don’t really remember the rest but I get a vague feeling that there were sexual parts in my dream. I woke up afterwards feeling aroused and disappointed for the millionth time that my dream wasn’t real.

I know it’s pathetic but I really just want to kiss him and feel him touch me. I knew that night i was drunk and we had that little moment that if it ever happened we’d go off like fireworks. Unfortunately as much as I fantasize about it happening it probably never will. He’s pretty much married to another one of my old professors and I’m in a shitty relationship with the least romantic guy I’ve ever met.

So I just have to keep telling myself that it would probably suck worse than I can imagine and that he has a small penis. Even though I know it would be epic. Ugh I’m so frustrated I really just want to go bang my head against the wall and down a beer even though it’s only six in the morning. I haven’t slept and just thinking about him makes me horny. The sad part is I could go fuck my boyfriend but it’s always so lackluster that I don’t even want to bother. And so I continue to suffer. Ugh and bleh.